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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
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Chloe and Erin came to pick me up. We drove to Manhattan Beach to stay the night with Kirsten and the next morning the four of us went to Disneyland. I have developed a new, all-consuming love for astro blasters and it is now a great ambition of mine to make it into the top 50 scorers for the day. All I have to do is:
Aim for the triangles first and foremost (10,000 pts). Diamonds if no triangles are available (5000 points). Hit Zurg's chest repeatedly (50,000 to 100,000 points depending). Hit the Jack-in-the-box to get a triangle open and hit the broken robot to get another triangle. Remember that there are hidden triangles in that black vortex.
And I shall be good to go!
I got a picture of the hidden Eeyore on Indiana Jones, which was very exciting. AND I found a new hidden micken on the Haunted Mansion next to the picture of the bride and headless groom. I feel so dorky--what could be more wonderful?
I bought a season pass so hopefully I will be back soon enough to achieve my goal of top 50.
In other news, Jason came to pick me up from LA today and we went to the "new" Chinatown in Monterrey Park. Got not-super-tasty Chinese food, but the workers were SO nice and adorable. Then I came back to MP and didn't do much of anything until Dimitrije came and briefly visited me (he was driving back to SB from Irvine after having had lunch with C, E, and K). We played rockband and chatted.
I am currently working on getting really proficient at the drums on medium in hopes that I will soon be able to play on HARD in TOURNAMENTS and WIN! We'll see how well that extravagant dream plays out.
Things to do:
+HIMYM marathon with Kuge at 11.
+FroYo with Kristina tomorrow at 3.
+Thisha in the evening?
+Cleaning
+Reading
+Furnish apartment
Songs stuck in head:
+Buddy Holly
+Wonderwall
+The Middle
Things I've realized about my self recently:
+My weight fluctuates lots and often, as does my posture. Wii fit teaches me this and more every day :D
+I have manias and whims. Strong ones. Uncontrollable ones.
+I get very cranky when hot or tired or hungry or feeling ill.
+I am tired A LOT.
+I am pretty crass and also very sensitive.
+I am SELFISH and thus I LIKE not having to worry about much more than me. I don't want to be selfish, but maybe I need to be right now? I am not sure.
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Waaah I just tried so hard to tag all these hundreds of pictures on fb of my disney trip and stupid fb glitched and deleted all my hard work. UGH I am SO upset about this. It took me like twenty minutes and I feel like I wasted so much time. I really just need to vent about this. I know it's silly, but I hate feeling like I have to do things over and over and over again, all to no avail.
Anyways, I've been having a sort of strange day. I saw HBP which was lovely and pleasant. But I flat out watched too much TV today (Secret Life marathon on my DVR!) so I had to soothe my monstrous head ache with a jog.
I also woke up this morning to the obnoxious sounds of a chainsaw so I've just been extra impatient and angry and sad all day. Oh well. I think I'll try retagging a couple more and then I'll just give up for tonight.
Current playlist:
Buddy Holly by Weezer
Pork and Beans by Weezer
Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi
Pokerface cover by Daughtry
Have a desperate desire to reread HP 6 and 7.
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I feel like I've reverted back in time. I am once again a little idealist who loves poetic cadence and James Potter. <3
Reading back over some of the fanfiction I liked even two years ago, I realize how much my appreciation of writing has changed... How much I have changed. What was once SO witty to me is now only vaguely amusing. Some romantic lines just seem too drawn out, too trite, or too... false. But still I manage to laugh and smile because--how WONDERFUL was it when I could look at that trite and dream that someday those declarations of love would belong to me!!!
I miss the days when I wanted to quote EVERY fancy line I heard, tell the world what I discovered in a daily read. I miss the days when I would become so consumed by a story that I would imagine in my head new dialogue for the characters, new situations, new plot lines and romances and many kisses. My mind would wander (hence my username) and it seemed I would never come back to earth.
Fiction wasn't fiction to me. It was all possible... someone's story out in the universe and who could say it wasn't true? I believed in it all, believed that even what I invented in my wandering mind was real. But the world was beautiful then, no matter how disconnected from it I was.
And in spite of how this nostalgia may seem, I can now confidently say that the real world is beautiful too. Love in its truest form is beautiful still, despite pain and heartache and risk. It is true what they say: the things you look back on in life that are most worthwhile were always motivated by love. When I was younger I read that quote and thought about that dreamy romance that I could only hope and pray for; but today, I see that worthwhile love doesn't need to be romantic.
Every worthwhile memory I have is one entangled with love--it's true! Divine love, platonic love, familial love, and love of my neighbor. Love for me, love for others, love that gives and therefore receives. That love is so infinite in its capabilities, so limitless in its capacities. Love lifts us up where we belong? So true! LOVE is what we need to survive, to thrive, to do the impossible and make the world a better place.
I feel loved now more than ever. At 13 I sought it, I dreamt of it, I imagined some boy coming and sweeping me off my feet and YES that is where I would belong! In his arms, lost in the eternity of his eyes and his smile and his cool, sweet words.
But now, at 19 I have finally found it. True love, the truest. Love for you. Love for me. Love for the Lord and my neighbors and myself. Maybe it wasn't what I thought I wanted. Maybe the world and those words didn't end up being what I thought they would be. But here the world is! More beautiful and vast and fanciful than I ever imagined!
... and so, I can confidently say that each story is one of resilience. Determination of spirit, healing of the soul, defining of character--pain shows us these things, teaches us these things, and, through love and through life and through God, lifts us up where we belong.
Life goes on. This too shall pass. He will make your paths straight.
I am unshakeable, I am whole, and, God, life is so good!
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Sometimes life is hard. This journal chronicles those hard times for me and is therefore a testament to those mundane things that at the time felt like the end of the world. But this story is one of resilience, of letting time heal the wounds that you yourself cannot, of learning to be happy with what you have and letting go of the things you can't have, or shouldn't have, or just plain need to let go.
Life has given me plenty of lemons and some rotten ones too, but at the end of the day those fresh lemons are the ones you can make lemonade with. The rest you have to throw away. If we focus solely on what is lost, how can we make our new batch of lemonade?
Maybe life is tough, but what of that? I'm tough too. Broken hearts heal, time helps you to forget, and new doors open. Maybe we don't get the life we wanted or the one we thought we deserved, but there is merit in every open door.
All that we can do is focus on the next door, let go of the last room, and keep moving forward. Have patience with yourself, learn to forgive your imperfections and the ones of those around you, and know in your heart that Bob Marley got it right. Every little thing is gonna be all right.
Because the beautiful thing about life is that everything --love, life, dreams, friendship-- ends how it began: with a beginning.
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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
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It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
Wanted from me, and knowing
If I give that to ya
I might just disappear.
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
Oh, it's like
One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind,
Oh, it's like
Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe that's there's
No way out for you and me
And it seems to be,
The story of our life
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh
It's like trying to turn around on a
One way street. I can't give
You what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
That maybe we're not meant to be
There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late.
It's like one step forward
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad
And I, can't change your mind, oh
It's like tryin to turn around
On a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I,
I finally see,
Baby we're not meant to be
It's like one step forward,
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad,
And I, Baby I'm sorry to see,
Maybe we're not meant to be
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School is so stressful. I am trying to experience all that I can from college (not like sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. But getting involved, going on trips, hiking, blah) but I am worried this is getting in the way of my school work. And I've been having such a hard time concentrating on school work. I am not behind in work at all and yet I am so stressed about all that I have to do that I FEEL like I'm behind.
Mostly, it's because I am getting a novel a week in English and that's pretty daunting already, but on top of that I have all these articles to read for Chaucer along with the old english. Then there's this five page essay for black studies that I supposedly can't start until I finish the reading but the reading isn't due until the day before the essay is due so you basically have NO time to do the essay if you do the reading. And with everything else I have to do, I can't finish the reading and write the essay early. And whenever I do the reading I freak out and think about how guilty I feel for not doing my other work yet. It's very confusing and stressful!
I feel so overwhelmed and unproductive. I am so worried about careers and where my life's going. I have not idea what is going on with anything.
I am trying to just focus on one thing at a time and trust in God about the rest (the future stuff). I know he has a plan for me, and all I can do is try my best and if what I'm doing is right, it will work out. If what I'm doing isn't part of the plan, it won't. That simple. That complicated.
I have a headache from all of it though. 4 hours of homework already today, and I can't even check anything off my list of things to do yet. Ugh. Preliminary work makes me feel icky.
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
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Hello! I am el Rey do los cumpleanos
my other name is grandisimo chocolate de peluche
because i am an osito de peluche and i speak spanish
you may also call me snuffles
I am going to be posting more pictures of my animals named snuffles. I decided that I wanted to see more cute pictures of Snuffles the Gund online and decided I should contribute. After all, I have maybe 30 Snuffles to my name which is really a lot and I should share the wealth. If you don't know what Snuffles is, it is Gund (a toy company)'s most longliving bear. It has been around since 1980 and it's peculiar shape was based off of the crescent moon. I am an avid collector and I love these bears so I want to share with everyone! So yeah, if you don't care I totally understand.
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Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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Holy procrastination! I don't know why I never do my homework when I'm relaxed--only when I must squeeze it into passing periods and between work and school.
I'm ridiculous.
This past weekend I watched all of Final Fantasy IX again (the version Jason taped for me). Was fantastic. Am trying to convert Thish to a FF lover but "the lady doth protest too much, me thinks."
I hate reading Shakespeare. I speak in couplets for weeks.
I reread this entry and I was like, "Who the hell is Jason?"
Jason is my BROTHER. You'd think I'd know... But I don't. I'm too use to calling him "fool," "lamo," and other assortments of endearing names.
WHY WON'T I DO MY HOMEWORK?!?!
Ok, I shall depart now.
BUT FIRST:
She holds the purple scarf, swinging it back and forth menacingly with an innocent smile on her face. The bare branches descend as if in the art of capturing--as if it will take the scarf too.
"You're going to strangle me with it," I inform her warily, following the progress of the scarf as it whips the air.
"That's true," Thish says calmly. "I'll wait 'til you turn around, and when you least expect it--"
I turn around and she goes for it, whipping the scarf out and coming at me.
She misses.
"Aw, too soon?"
--
She never gave me my scarf back. I think she's going to come into spanish tomorrow and strangle me in the name of science.
I really do love my life.
CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
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Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
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Yes, my icon does reveal my verocity.
And by verocity, I mean vicious ferocity.
And by verocity, I mean I'm an enormous dork.
So Halloween was cool. I've been sick for 34 days straight now, but that's okay. Homecoming was okay (dancing with SARAH was fun anyways). Let's see... I don't know where my last pay check went, since my money wasn't deposited into my account.... I've been working hardly at all... I've BARELY started my UC apps. I am going to USC tomorrow for S&D. The first Verdict (assistand copy-edito=ME!) looked fantastic. I was called a prostitute for my Potter outifit (but I clearly did not look like a prostitute. As Fulg says, "He must have been illiterate.") I have a Calc test on Monday. The research project is starting (yeek!). I'm stressed, basically.
What else is new? And all I can do is read fanfiction.
JennyO is basically my hero. She has really good character development, which is refreshing, considering the crap I've been reading lately. She, koonelli, procratinator starting 2 moro, drowning goldfish and corny sloth are, like, fantastic.
Anyways, it's midnight and I have to get up at like 6 tomorrow so I should go. Argh my family's driving me crazy!
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Sunday, October 21st, 2007
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"All was well."
PS: Dumbledore is Gay!
Oh, JKR. You're so silly.
I'm not gonna lie. I was totally freaked out for 24 hours. I mean, she's asked these questions and she just kind of makes up answers and we call this canon? No thanks. I think I'll wait for the Encyclopedia.
At the moment, I'm kind of over it. I don't think she should be feeding all these details into the books post-publication (Neville and Hannah? What? Luna and who?), and I'm very disappointed, but I'm not going to burn my books or anything.
Harry Potter is about tolerance. I think she achieved showing us that message in the text--she doesn't need to bring it out into reality with something so controversial.
ROSE: My question is did Albus Dumbledore ever fall in love? JKR: Ummmm... Well, in the course of a long life, I think nearly everyone falls in love, but you probably shouldn't read too much into that answer. BBC "Blue Peter" Show Interview July 20, 2007
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You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
I was listening to this last night, and I asked myself, "How Snape/Lily is this?"
Mmm my brain is mushy.
BUT I finished Owen Meany. I just have Candide left and I'm just gonna hold off on that because I DON'T CARE!
=]
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A Prayer for Owen Meany is kicking my ass. I cannot go on like this!
Page 13. I fell asleep.
Ugh. I don't think I'll get to page 418 today, dammit.
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Saturday, July 28th, 2007
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Suddenly, it does not matter that I did not get to see Daniel Radcliffe in Eqqus. He gets nude in Deathly Hallows anyways.
Justice!
... Just kidding.
In an interview, Dan once said JKR came to see him in Eqqus and was all, "It's a good thing you're comfortable naked, because I have you naked ALL THE TIME in Seven." And Dan told the interviewer, "I'm pretty sure she was joking though."
Haha, poor boy.
They'll take off his shirt at least, like twice. =P
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Grand Hallows Ball, midnight release for HP7
[I dyed my hair with blue streaks! Most daring thing I've ever done...]
Probably if I had posted my response right after reading the book (I am the slowest reader EVER, so I took 17.5 hours, putting me out from 3 am to 8:30 pm on the 21st) I would have loads to say. Now, though, I can only tell you that the end strikes me harder than the story itself.
Got the job at Target. Rejoice. Europe, here I come!
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No more APs, no more SATs, I took my SATII's... Oh freedom!
And in the past 2-3 weeks I've managed to read just about every young adult book by Meg Cabot. Reread the Mediator like twice, cheated and skipped to the end of the last book in 1-800-Where-Are You (my virgin eyes weren't quite prepared for that one, let me tell you), and read for the first time:
Pants of Fire
Teen Idol
Ready or Not Reread All-American Girl.
The Mediator still owns all others.
And succubus is my new favorite word. Whenever I see it, I think of the demon on South Park and, coincidentally, a girl I know who's an absolute whore.
I mean that in the least offensive way possible.
And next week Christa will be graduating and I will miss her presence dearly! I shall be in the ceremony (Ivy Chain, or whatever) so I get to see her perform! I'm really exciting... minus the pastel dress requirement.
I've begun loading songs onto my PSP for the plane ride to NY. Apparently, "I want to ride my bicycle" NEVER gets old.
5 more days till freedom!
Things to do:
Precalc study guide and notecard for final on Thursday
History studying for final on Wednesday
I'll worry about English later.
Wooooo.
Oh yeah, and Pirates was uber confusing. If my brother hadn't done extra research, I never would have known what was up. So if you have yet to see it, realize the ending doesn't suck quite as bad as you think it does. Because secretly it doesn't. I guess.
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So 9 days til my birthday. Man, the things that can change in a year.
I feel like I'm floating and below me the whole world is pulsating and rushing off into the distance. The lights are flying by, and if I reach out I can feel nothing but cold wind.
I wish I wanted less.
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Saturday, April 28th, 2007
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I have 8 studying days left for my Spanish AP test. 15 for physics. 17 for english.
Dear God, save me.
Oh and SAT's next weekend. I am such a bundle of mounting joy at the moment.
i H8 u, Physics!!!!!!!!
How you like that? I made you purple. :]
On a happier note, once my next 3 weeks of Hell are over, I have the following to look forward to:
1) Disneyland, baby!
2) Pirates
3) Spiderman 3
4) The end of school, and thus the beginning of my trip to New York and Florida
5) Harry Potter 5 (the international trailer is superb, by the way. check it out on youtube)
6) Um, the end of my scholarly stress is enough to be counted twice.
7) & last and most luffled HARRY POTTER 7, mi amor, mi razón para vivir!
And I really like Lola. She's fun. And she likes my stuffed animal(s).
I still hate you, physics!
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I woke up from a nightmare and realized only half of what i dreamed was from my mind. The other half was bitterly real, and it sucked.
Whatev.
A man came to die for me, and all I can think is, "My life is such crap." I woke up too late to go to church. I don't know where my heart is anymore. I don't think profoundly of anything these days...
And I miss Thish and Jess. I'm leaving MP tonight, hopefully I'll get studying done where I'm going...
Having myspace back sucks.
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Man, I hope my wedding doesn't suck this bad.
http://www.smallvilleph.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=160&pos=584
Waaah Promise was SO sad! I was like, "OMG OMG it's a dream! No, it's not! yesss! Wait.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Seriously, that's basically verbatim.
Trapped in a loveless life, destroyed, ruined, MRS LANA LUTHOR. Ew.
In other news, those widgets on gmail are pretty much the most fun things in the world, and I am also the worst homework doer ever, so I should probably fix that... maybe. English sucks!
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
http://www.smallvilleph.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=160&page=1
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whimsicalwander's journal